Pitch Perfect Marketing

I Want Low Rankings! How to Keep Pesky Visitors Off Your Website


I know I speak for a silent and concerned minority who staunchly avoid high rankings in the search engines. No words are more frightening than, "Get your site to the top of Google!" No thanks. This article is chock full of techniques you can use to dive bomb your chances at solid rankings. I mean, who needs it. Rankings equal traffic to my website, and frankly, that sounds like a hassle.

Avoid Keyword Analysis At All Costs

Here is the first tactic avoid: Keyword Analysis. It involves carefully choosing a set up of high traffic yet low competition words and phrases you want to rank well for. It is a sure fire way to establish a search engine optimization plan and for that reason I cry, "Stay Clear!" Do not use website tools like www.WordTracker.com or www.KeywordDiscovery.com to help you find these phrases. People who waste time on this stupidly brainstorm a list of phrases they think their audience is searching on. Bah! All that comes of such silliness is a foundation for later SEO steps. So don't think like your audience and stay clear of listing out the words and phrases. It will only improve your rankings later on (as if you need that freakin' hassle).

User "Unfriendly" Websites

If you are unlucky enough to have people find your site through Google and the like, a sure fire way to brush them off your site like Cheeto dust off a bowling shirt is to make it a pain in the butt to use. I have lots of ideas here, and trust me, they will get folks scrambling for the exit door of your site in mere seconds.

  1. Create gobs of rambling content that is of no use to your audience. If you take the time to understand people's issues and try to solve them, your site will only serve to fill a need and that is not how I built my reputation as a lazy geek. Big thick paragraphs of rambling sales speak; that's the ticket to blessedly low rankings.
  2. Put up solid road blocks on your site. Who says websites need to be easy to use! Hell, not me. Carefully sculpt a navigation menu and hierarchy that baffles people. Don't group things together in ways folks can understand. My own favorite is to leave off breadcrumbs on the pages. So when a person lands on a lower level page from the search engines, they have no clue where they are in your site hierarchy. I have created sites that annoy people in under six seconds. Good luck beating that.
  3. Don't let phrases people search on show up in your site content. Google and its' ilk try to match what people search on with websites that use the phrase within their content. If you strive, as I do, for the lowest rankings possible, please don't place those phrases in your HTML Meta descriptions, page titles, within paragraph headings, and above all don't sprinkle the phrases within the paragraphs of your content. That's a sure fire way to direct pesky traffic to your site.

I have touched on just a few helpful ways you can affectively hide your site from search engines users. Stay tuned for more ways to enhance your quiet, profit-free existence. If it were up to me, I would get rid of search engines entirely. Who needs them!

Paul Kaufman
Pitch Perfect Marketing

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